The best and worst of... Small market town... Big issues...
(And no that is not the real council's crest, this one even has 3 roast chickens on it)
The best and worst of... Small market town... Big issues...
(And no that is not the real council's crest, this one even has 3 roast chickens on it)
17th APRIL 2025
Pomm pomm. Pom pom. Pomm pomm. Pom pom.
Pompy pom, pe pompy pom, pe pompy pom - pe pommmm pommmm...
Lord Duggar is on the search for his next Apprentice.
Contestants from across the postcode are fighting it out for the opportunity of a lifetime. Business plans have been submitted. One lucky winner will stand to receive a £250,000 investment and the chance to go into business with Lord Duggar.
A gruelling process over 12 weeks has seen contestants fall by the wayside.
Which one has what it takes to become Lord Duggar's business partner?
It’s 4:30am - and the contestants are summoned to the Town Council offices…
Flanked by Baroness Shady and 2008 winner Jim, Lord Duggar talks the teams through the final task, stood in front of wall portraits of council dignitaries past and present...
“The tourist industry in the UK is worth over 100 billion paaaaannds - I want you to come up with a new way to bring people to Ross-on-Wye. You can choose any kind of project, and in two-days time you’ll be back in this boardroom to see who’s won – and we will see who is going to be my next Apprentice”.
“Lord Duggar would like to mix up the teams”, added Baroness Shady, “so can councillors Stan and Brenda move over to Team Drivel, and can councillors Rochelle and Kristian please join Team Slow”. People shuffle about.
First job, decide PM. The teams meet. Over on Team Drivel, Cllr Russell puts himself forward, “I have what it takes, I’ve stayed in hotels and I’ve been on a river cruise, nobody here is as qualified as me, this task is meant for me, I have a degree in it”. With everyone else looking at each other, Cllr Russell continues “right, so let’s take a vote, who wants me?”, before immediately sticking both of his own hands in the air then declaring “okay, it’s me”.
Over on Team Slow, things are a little more low-key, nobody seems keen to put themselves in command, contestants are seen pretending to drop things on the floor, biting fingernails or awkwardly looking at their phones. After a twenty-second silence, which felt far longer, Cllr Lewis says “it’s going to need planning out, so I vote Quentin does it, he’s good with that kind of thing”. Everyone eagerly starts nodding, before a hugely reticent looking Cllr Quentin concedes he will have to lead the task.
Over on Ross-on-Wye Gogglebox both team’s ideas trigger the usual mutterings of “FFS” and “where do they find these people?” from the sofa-slumped viewers. It’s no wonder that most disillusioned viewers reach for the remote control to jump forward to find out what happened (using the super-easy skipability available on wyePlayer).
Skip: FFWD: 10m>> 20m >> 30m >> 40m.
Ooops! Too far! ...
Skip: RWD: <<1m <<2m <<3m <<4m.
Oh stuff it, that'll do...
...Lord Duggar picks up the phone in his ‘oh-so-swish back in the 1990s’ glass office, untangles its coily cord with a slight annoyance before saying “can you send the candidates in please?”. He stares at them as they enter the room. They file left and right to take up their positions over the boardroom table.
Lord Duggar addresses the room, looking left, then right “So, I gave you the task of bringing tourists to Ross-on-Wye, so first let’s hear from Team Drivel, who did you choose as PM?”
“That’ll be me”, says Cllr Russell with a tone of confidence. Baroness Shady immediately comments back “well, actually it’s not like anyone else had a chance is it?”. Duggar muses: “Yes, I hear you railroaded it ….hmmmm”.
“And what was your idea?” asks the sage businessman and CEO of a multi-billion pound business empire made from selling crappy typewriters.
“We made a digital rewards system for local attractions”, Cllr Russell said, with everyone in the room turning their heads to a big screen to see what it looked like. “The concept is a phone app and website, where visitors to Ross can collect points for each of the town's attractions that they visit. The more points they get, the more lovely photos of Ross-on-Wye they can unlock”.
“Hang on” Lord Duggar interjected, “But people just take photos themselves don't they? So why on earth would they bother?”.
“Well…” replied Cllr Russell “this way they get points, and a list of attractions”. Lord Duggar’s face screwed up as if he'd just seen a pile of dog muck outside Gwalia.
“Half the consumer group couldn’t get it to work” said Baroness Shady, “they just didn’t get it”. Cllr Russell’s sheepish looking team-mate Cllr Brendan piped-up “none of us wanted to do it, we did say we didn't think many people would use it”.
"I just can't fathom how this thing is supposed to bring tourists to Ross", said Duggar, the shrivelled holder of all the MBE belts.
“How much did this thing cost?” asked Duggar, agitatedly prodding away at the phone app with a stubby digit. “Well that’s the problem”, said 2008 Apprentice winner Jim, “they spent the £5,000, but they looked for additional funding too... so not only did they spend your £5,000, they spent a lot more”… “How much more?”, asked Duggar?
“£180,000 I’m afraid” said Jim “so the total spend was £185,000”.
“£185,000!!!” erupted Duggar “what the bleeeedin’ 'ell were you thinking!”.
“Well,” answered Cllr Russell, “I have clearly been the superior candidate throughout this process, and I am delighted to tell you the bulk of that was grant money so it doesn’t matter - and there’s lots more grant money we can apply for if you make me your business partner”.
Duggar began to lose it “Spare me the pontification me old china. Do I look like a mug? I don’t give a Castlemaine XXXX” he erupted, “it’s real money, it’s public money!”.
Baroness Shady looked across. “To be honest” she said “when I heard that figure this morning, I spat out my Sugar Puffs”.
“I maintain it’s a great idea” continued CllrRussell. Duggar cut him off, “Oh do me a favour, I was selling jellied eels and word processors out of Dewsbury Market when you were still a twinkle in your mother’s eye sunshine - and it’s a terrible idea.”
“I can’t Adam and Eve it, I usually have to pretend for the cameras that I’m having difficulty deciding but I’ve never seen the like of it ……Cllr Russell …..YOU’RE FIRED!”.
Cllr Russell stood up, “Delighted with the opportunity Lord Duggar, thank you Jim, Baroness Shady”, he said, skulking backward through the door, as the camera cut back to Lord Duggar’s face still looking like he’d just licked the end of a PP3 battery.
Lord Duggar composed himself for a moment.
“Well, Team Slow, your captain is Quentin right? Well it looks like you’ve won by default. Congratulations”.
“You” said Duggar, pointing his finger at Cllr Quentin, “are going to be my next Apprentice. You, are going to be my business partner with £250,000 investment”.
“What was your project by the way?”
Cllr Quentin quietly piped up and replied “ummm…. we couldn’t think of anything”.
Duggar flips. Pulls his mic off. Jumps down off his chair. Viewers could just make out the top of his head as he walked off set behind the table. Those with surround sound could just make out a faint “Oh for f***s s***….
Pompy pom, pe pompy pom, pe pompy pom - pe pommmm pommmm.
Pompy pom, pe pompy pom, pe pompy pom - pe pompy pom - pe pommmm.
Would you like the chance to become Lord Duggar’s next Apprentice? Look out for the next councillor elections and send in your application.
Switch over to Ross Town Council The Apprentice You’re Fired now.
Next on Ross Council Channel One, an Easter Springwatch Special: a family of otters find a new home in Rudhall Brook.